Herbalation Revelation Relation

A NYMPHO CAN'T MARRY A NYMPHO

2009-08-12T01:18:00.000-07:00

To best explain this, kindly observe the following rhetoric:

Nympho A and Nympho B decide to hook up and be "happy". What they don't realize is that in this universe, shit like that doesn't fly! And there is very good reason for that. Nympho B walks around her town thinking: 'I am gonna fuck that nigga right thrurrr!!!! Nympho A, in his turf says: "Aha! Umma fuck those two tonite, the other two at 2am and come back for the sister at 5am!!!" The ways of the whore are quite incredible but hey, we ain't here to discuss that shit. Fast forward 7-8 months later of incessant whoring leads to a point we in the Psychology field like to call a "WTF moment". A WTF moment is when you take a moment and fully absorb the lifestyle to which you have acclimatized yourself-from rewards to consequences. Nympho A is all up on that "All i do is fuck hot chicks and that's it. There's got to be more to life right?” Nympho B is all like: 'I need to stop shagging all these dudes, I mean, people gon' start thinking I'm a ho! (REALLY?) Usually, the latter weighs more and people are thus thrust into another point called a "The bitchslap"

The bitchslap is that moment when you realize what you need to do in your life. You see the faults for what they really are and you see the way forward. It is more or less a wake up call, moment of clarity etc. It is a brief thing, probably about 3 minutes if not less. Now, what is odd, or rather normal, depending on how you view it, is that they always happen at the worst locations. In an ideal world (read in the white man's world) it would happen in your room when its just you and you have an uncle played by Tom Hanks or some shit! But in this case, as vast as this cosmos is, what are the odds that it would happen to both nymphomaniacs at the same time AND at the same time?

Hmm.

So what happens from there is nothing short of chaos. The ladida moments and both of them thinking :"wow! this love rocks!!" You see, a bitchsalp is meant to be temporary. 6-8 months (or 2 years with white people. Don't get it twisted i am not hating on white people but damn! If you gotta make a film like Forrest Gump to justify your "intelligence" Forrest fuckin' Gump! Chee!!!!) Anyway, we ain't hating on white people. All the while, those nympho hormones that are used to being used to the max are being wasted...or are they? they soon begin to conglomerate around all the other cells of your body and before your realize it, you are this mass of sexual energy that can explode at any minute! And then the worst happens! It invades your mind and common sense, next thing you are proposing and shit!!! Now, this ain't bad if you are completely lucid when you say it. But in the case of the 2 nymphos-hell no!!!

So now, marriage is on the table and then ....the bitchslap outlives its use. This brings us to a point we call the “oh shit!” moment. An oh shit moment is when you realize that what you experienced before was just a wake up call. Usually when something like that happens, what you need to do is handle it. How it is handled is up to you. Your reaction is often dictated by where you are. For example, if it happens in a bus: ‘Oh shit!” everyone in the bus will think you are a crazy person. Maybe they will kick you out of the bus. Not too bad I think. If it happens at a pal’s bash it’s all good. Random nigga/ho actin weird, they shall say. In that ideal Forrest Gump ass world maybe it happens at the bridge as he is about to jump. Enter one Tom Hanks, maybe throw in a Meryl Streep to appeal to the ladies in the audience and perhaps a Forest Whitaker as the token black guy so that we can get those niggaz off our back!! “Don’t jump Jim!” (they always give them such gay names-no offence to my boy Jim Nolan, you are an awesome artist. Beer on you next week? =D) “We can get through this! Let’s go home and talk about these feelings more as we listen to John Denver.” Yo, Hollywood! You wanna sell me a good story? Stop making giving Tom Hanks work already!! It’s all good though. Pray it doesn’t happen in a public loo. You see, some things in this life call for us to NOT be rational with good cause. Allow me to digress:

SCENE: PUBLIC RESTROOM

Man just out of the john is washing his hands as your ass (get the pun) is in the loo.

And then it happens.

YOU: Oh shit!!!

MAN: (Quite perturbed) Ummm. You ok?

YOU: Oh shit!!!!

MAN: Well, that’s what’s supposed to come out mayne!

And then you, in all your emotion and anger/feeling of “ what the fuck have I been doing with myself in the last couple of months” (years for our poor white boy/Tanzanian coz hey! Let’s face it my bongo boys, if the land of intellegensia were a bus ride away….I often wonder why the fuck y’all decided to take a ferry to the other side, hop on a boda boda to the town, ask for directions to the town entrance only for you to remember that you had come with family so you have to go back and get them!!! It truly is the simple things you do, innit just Tanzania!!!) what do you decide to do? Observe.

YOU: OH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This scares the man and he begins to worry.

MAN: You alright? What’s happening?

Depending on the magnitude of the changes you made vis-à-vis your bitchslap moment, an “oh shit!” moment may evolve to sometimes alarming proportions:

YOU: (Knocking on the walls of the loo as you wail) FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! SHIT!!!! GODDAMN IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT????”

Man starts to think to himself: “Really? what the fuck is this shit?” damn!

You fuck around he gon call the cops on your ass. (Pun again)

SIDEBAR: I strongly believe in the employment of pun in a story, not only for its comic effect but also coz some people are just…how do you say…not bright so by the time they get it, the world shall be ready to accept anything dished to it…like a blonde scientist! That’s almost as laughable as a female president……yeah ladies I said it!!!

So now back to the story, having realized this, you need to take affirmative action (not the kind viperdamus or thogmatic would ascribe) but unfortunately, for our subjects in question, once again, the cosmos and its sick sense of irony has this moment fall on them at the same time and yes, same venue. Wow! We should get Colin Farrell on the phone. This sounds like a script that may finally get him props as an real actor…well, it’s either that or give him the chance to play a close-to-real life role of a nympho (hmm….I wonder how our Irish cutie will pull off that one!!!!)

So now both nymphos realize that they made a grave mistake and how can this be remedied? They wait till they are away from one another and break it off. You see, its easier to do this sans seeing the pain and remorse and guilt and whatever the fuck else emotion is roused from the remnants.

Moral of the story: Life has many unexpected twists and turns. For you to survive this catharsis you MUST always keep your eyes open. Trust in the universe but always take a moment to let the air near your fingers touch the hairs on your hands, sometimes let it get all the way to your nostrils and even your scalp for then it shall knock some sense into your skull. If you don’t do that. You might end up as our nymphos!

As I write this I am bumping to some awesome south African King Rock shizzle. Dance music rules!!!!

Live music, love life!

TRANSFORMERS 3: REVENGE OF THE ANCIENT

2009-07-20T04:18:00.001-07:00

It starts with a busted ass slow transformer. I am trying to cross the road and this slow ass car is taking its time. I am phobic about crossing a road alone and i just happened to be alone that day. Can you imagine the transformers growing up? Playing hide and seek? Going to class? This lorry must have been the class retard, the one with the "dunce" hat seated at the corner every goddamn day coz muthafucka believe 1+1 for sure be 3.14! Slow ass car, i don't give a fuck but if I am dying or am at the risk of, i am NOT gonna depend on this muthafucka to help me out! Slow ass transformer. He'd probably be named Blunder or Nesh!

So i cross the road and now walking to the stage to get a jav (yeah, i jav and damn proud of it too!) I see this old guy looking at me from his car. Made me think. Don't get it twisted i love old people. I really do. But, fuck...old people NEED to stop thinking that just coz you are old we are supposed to do you favors. Just coz you old:

doesn't give you the right to spit haphazardly in the streets. Why the fuck you spitting right infront of me? What? You've spent 80soeshit years on this earth running your fuckin mouth about everything so now you feel you must get rid of the excess saliva that way? What? Are you doing libation? Peace to the departed? Do they die every fuckin minute coz i see your old ass spitting withe very 6 and a half steps your old ass be taking! Muthafucka spits mo than an underground New York rapper. Damn!!!

doesn't give you the right to expect everyone to understand what teh fuck you sayiong!!! How you walk into a jav, this muthafucka, the nerve of this muthafuka! First off, when your old self stopped the jav, you heard the music playing! Even with your 102 year old ears (look at the mofos with a heavy mother tongue influence reading 102 ear old ears!, uko down!) you can hear the music playing. Why do you start bitching in the jav for the driver to reduce the volume. What? are you looking out for us or some shit? Tryna save our young ears from damage. Why? So that i can end up 106 years old like you with every other goddman organ in my body failing but hey, atleast i will have perfect hearing...so that i can hear muthafuckaz bitching about how much of a burden i am on them. Way to go you old hag! So the music volume goes down (punk ass driver) and this muthafucka starts chatting me up. Nigga i don't fucking know you! OK, granted the fact that all you old muthafuckaz look the same. Like a smelly old version of China (no offense). This nigga talking to me about his kids. I don't know your kids. Judging form your age, your youngest son was probably Kibaki's deskmate! Fuck that shit! And whatever you keep saying whilst smiling to me/spitting makes no dog gone sense! Negroe! Making a nigga feel like Chris from Family Guy with that old perv. Don't fucking talk to me and you must...SPEAK A LANGUAGE I UNDERSTAND! SLAVERY ENDED A LONG ASS TIME AGO YOU AIN'T GOTTA SPEAK IN CODE LANGUAGE NO MORE! ever seen how old peeps almost topple over when they see a white man in the streets. In their old minds they are actually taking down that muthafucka so white boys, it ain't all god in the hood just yet!

doesn't...OMG!!!! Why? In the name of all that is holy why the fuck do old people have all that goddamn hair all over their bodies??? Nigga looks like a some monkey that escaped the lab in the middle of test #684 when they realized tryna enlarge this muthafuckaz brain ain't a good idea after all. Kill the test subjects, this muthafucka managed to escape. How you ask? negroe probably spit his way through the metal frames. I mean, these guys and their spitting! Their saliva even look venomous as its thrown all over the place as they talking! All this muthafuckin hair all over their bodies! Its beyond gross...its like they have a life of their own and anytime a nigga touches you they are gonna jump on you and take over your body. Can you imagine getting into a jav a young handsome/fly individual only to shuka an old smelly spitting mad person who is hopped up on paranoia juiced up with ampicilin (is that how they spell that old people drug?). Shave muthafucka! I know your old ass was introduced to shavers late in life but USE it!! Malaika? Hapana! On young guys its ok, but on you! sulululu!! That is some Angels & Demons shit you got going on! Goddamit!!!!

doesn't mean i have to be nice to you just coz you old. There is a lady who lives 2 doors away from me. I swear to God if she weren't so old i would...but then she wouldn't be the bitch she is if she weren't old. Always talking shit! Always!! What the hell? And why are you so rude when i walk past you? I mean, i am moving outta your way so your slow ass can compete with Blunder/Nesh on the road-which one of you muthafuckaz is faster? i dunno. Get Jelimo's slow ass to be the timekeeper-atleast give her rich ass SOMETHING to make her feel like a winner again!

Like i said, i don't hate old people...i just wish they would shut the fuck up, quit complaining, take a bath more often (nigga please! you a fool if you think your grandfolks be showering on a daily basis), shave, and smile more muthafuckin often.

Sorry for the vitriol but as a not so wise former radio presenter now baby momma to some MP who is closely linked to our former president (phew! i almost outed that Masiero chic!): "Profanity makes talking fun"

Remember, live music, love life!

TRANSFORMERS 3: REVENGE OF THE ANCIENT

2009-07-20T03:57:00.000-07:00

doesn't give you the right to spit haphazardly in the streets. Why the fuck you spitting right infront of me? What? You've spent 80soeshit years on this earth running your fuckin mouth about everything so now you feel you must get rid of the excess saliva that way? What? Are you doing libation? Peace to the departed? Do they die every fuckin minute coz i see your old ass spitting withe very 6 and a half steps your old ass be taking! Muthafucka spits mo than an underground New York rapper. Damn!!!

doesn't give you the right to expect everyone to understand what teh fuck you sayiong!!! How you walk into a jav, this muthafucka, the nerve of this muthafuka! First off, when your old self stopped the jav, you heard the music playing! Even with your 102 year old ears (look at the mofos with a heavy mother tongue influence reading 102 ear old ears!, uko down!) you can hear the music playing. Why do you start bitching in the jav for the driver to reduce the volume. What? are you looking out for us or some shit? Tryna save our young ears from damage. Why? So that i can end up 106 years old like you with every other goddman organ in my body failing but hey, atleast i will have perfect hearing...so that i can hear muthafuckaz bitching about how much of a burden i am on them. Way to go you old hag! So the music volume goes down (punk ass driver) and this muthafucka starts chatting me up. Nigga i don't fucking know you! OK, granted the fact that all you old muthafuckaz look the same. Like a smelly old version of China (no offense). This nigga talking to me about his kids. I don't know your kids. Judging form your age, your youngest son was probably Kibaki's deskmate! Fuck that shit! And whatever you keep saying whilst smiling to me/spitting makes no dog gone sense! Negroe! Making a nigga feel like Chris from Family Guy with that old perv. Don't fucking talk to me and you must...SPEAK A LANGUAGE I UNDERSTAND! SLAVERY ENDED A LONG ASS TIME AGO YOU AIN'T GOTTA SPEAK IN CODE LANGUAGE NO MORE! ever seen how old peeps almost topple over when they see a white man in the streets. In their old minds they are actually taking down that muthafucka so white boys, it ain't all god in the hood just yet!

doesn't...OMG!!!! Why? In the name of all that is holy why the fuck do old people have all that goddamn hair all over their bodies??? Nigga looks like a some monkey that escaped the lab in the middle of test #684 when they realized tryna enlarge this muthafuckaz brain ain't a good idea after all. Kill the test subjects, this muthafucka managed to escape. How you ask? negroe probably spit his way through the metal frames. I mean, these guys and their spitting! Their saliva even look venomous as its thrown all over the place as they talking! All this muthafuckin hair all over their bodies! Its beyond gross...its like they have a life of their own and anytime a nigga touches you they are gonna jump on you and take over your body. Can you imagine getting into a jav a young handsome/fly individual only to shuka an old smelly spitting mad person who is hopped up on paranoia juiced up with ampicilin (is that how they spell that old people drug?). Shave muthafucka! I know your old ass was introduced to shavers late in life but USE it!! Malaika? Hapana! On young guys its ok, but on you! sulululu!! That is some Angels & Demons shit you got going on! Goddamit!!!!

doesn't mean i have to be nice to you just coz you old. There is a lady who lives 2 doors away from me. I swear to God if she weren't so old i would...but then she wouldn't be the bitch she is if she weren't old. Always talking shit! Always!! What the hell? And why are you so rude when i walk past you? I mean, i am moving outta your way so your slow ass can compete with Blunder/Nesh on the road-which one of you muthafuckaz is faster? i dunno. Get Jelimo's slow ass to be the timekeeper-atleast give her rich ass SOMETHING to make her feel like a winner again!

# 002> There Is Always A Connection...ALWAYS!

2009-07-09T01:52:00.000-07:00

How is Tha JR connected to a picture of the Himalayas he asks.

Well,lets start with the Himalayas. Dmitri Petkov, 46 years of age is taking a picture of it. Dmitri has had quite a rocky relationship with his wife, incidences of infidelity have led the wife to doubting every single story Dmitri comes up with. Being a photographer isn't exactly the best kinda job for a married man..especially in Russia. Allusions of espionage and treason tend to make people be very weary of your presence. The rife insecurity that came with the job forced Dmitri to look for something simpler. His wife thought all his "investigative ventures" were just a front for infidelity so, good thing he decided to give up that ghost.

A move to Tibet seems to be a neutral ground for this guy. Away from people, doing his damndest to get by through photography. Thoughts of taking phots of exotic people, presidential rallies and etc that would definitely earn him big bucks drives him day in day out.This, unfortunately doesn't bear fruit. Months of no direction makes him settle for the least. He decides to take a photo of the Himalayas and sell it to a local printing company that makes books in the UK. He makers a pittance for the photo but the print company guys tellhim if he keeps taking more and more he shall start making some real money.

Mr. Solvidorch (not spelt but pronounced like this), who is secretly gay has developed acrush on Andreas, who works in the printing department. Everyone knows that he is gay and yet he believes that no one knows. He looks for flimsy reasons for going down to the printing room so as to get a whiff of Andreas' cologne. It's not really cologne but the fragrance of a soap he actually makes himself at home. Andreas was born to a family of innovators. Always ready to fend for themselves incase shit hits the fan. His bi-polar nature led him to Nepal. He believed that Buddhism was his calling but after a few weeks of harsh training and endurance his spitit gave in and now in aforeign conutry and no help, his innovation kicks in. He started making the soap and selling it in ordert o make ends meet. It's nothing fancy really, just soap that smels nice. It wasn't that popular, unfortunately, because peeps on that side of earth don't shower frequently. He should have thought about that coming from hot South America to cold ass Nepal! Dumb ass! So, finally, he got a gig at the printing company, how hard could it be? Mr. Solvidorch is his supervisor. Anytime he sees Andreas' broad shoulders, Justin Timberlake facial hair as well as this gait he has about him, always leaning as if he wants to whisper in your ear...and the moment you come closer to him...mmmmh!!!!that scent! Who knew cheaply made soap smells so good?

He had made a habiot of coming down to the noisy printing booth to "check up' on the workers. On this cold Wednesday afternoon, he called up Andreas to his office. Andreas' was having quite a good day so teh smile on his face as he walked into the office. Imagine what that smile did to Mr. Solvidorch given the fact that employees, or rather those under him (did you catch that pun?) NEVER smile when they see him. He was overwhelmed by raw sexyual emotion only compared remotely to that of spider monkeys. Must be the cold in Nepal. He pulls out Dmitri's picture and asks Andreas to ensure that the prits are awesome. "Like the photo" he tells Andreas while looking him square in the eye. He actually said in his head: "..as awesome as what i behold right now!" but hey! Andreas complies and takes it downstairs. Mr. Solvidorch watches keenly as he walks away and downstairs, his firm buttocks moving up, down, up, down, up, down, sdown, up, stop....turn. Mr. Solvidorch looks away. Andreas keeps walking. Back to the action. This is enough for Mr. Solvidorch. "One day, one day, i'll make my move!" he says. Picture is printed into the booklets.

Booklets shipped off to the UK, destination; MacMillan Publishers. They want an awesome phot of Asia for their new Atlas. Mr. Drake Mosby, the current head of print is determinedto make it the best atlas in the history of atlases (yeah, there are people who give a fuck about things like those). An underachiever all his life, this is Drake's opportunity to impress and leave a mark in this world. The picture comes through. Awesome like the photographer's drive, like Mr. Solvidorch's denial, like Andreas' rear in his favorite pair of Lee Denim jeans that are too tight as well as too dirty. Thank God for that soap, he might otherwise be mistaken for a bum (more pun!)

So Drake works like a slave and makes sure that it is of highest quality. The atlases are printed with he best quality paper, ink etc. Drake, in his eagerness to overimpress decided to purchase the most expensive of machinery so as to give a great product. He figures that it will pay off in the quadruple sales of atlases ( a feat never achieved before by the way). The result, the best fuckin atlas you have ever seen. Only problem is that it now has to be sold at a slightly higher price than regular atlases. People like to look at it but then why pay so much more money for the sam eshit. Pointless, innit? Well, those parents who really want to impress their children , themselves, or actuallyy beileve that a revised edition book will actually help your kid out (Malkiat Singh actually constructed a fucking palace in Kenya from this shit! Did you invite him for your party when you scored more in G.H.C?)

Ship off the atlases all over the world.

Over in the 254, Tha JR's parents, worried about his future in school, all these bad influences, not to mention Channel O making these hoez dress up like fuckin Lil Kim and shit! 8-4-4 is a muthfucka so if you ain't in a private school (like yours truly) then you are downest like a househelps's petticoat (you see, its sounds so much better in sheng' innit?). So as far as his Geography is concerned lets get him the BEST! So, this warm January morning, liitle JR is going to class 5 tomorrow. The anticipation is eating at him. Like you, he always makes this promise that: "This year, i am gonna work extra hard and become number 1" (like anyone really gives a fuck! They don't. They really don't. Atlas from Macmillan Publishers! That's the one little JR will love!! It wuill help him know more about a world he may or may not EVER get to explore (but hey, never say never). Next morning, in class as they present their books in front of tehir desks coz 8-4-4 teachers are dicks like that. I secretly believe that teachers do this in order to steal some shit for their kids coz they too broke to buy them. Blame our government for that. A joyous JR displays his key to success which catches the eye of George Mwanzia a.k.a Georgie a.k.a badd ass, 1st body etc. He jacks it at break time. JR cries his little ass off as he ramages through his desk and bag over and over. Nallus!

A disappointed JR will now not make it college coz his precious super smartness-inducing atlas. Oh well, the polytechnic ain't too bad (no offense). So, from Dmitri to Andreas to Drake to the folks to JR to Georgie. See? Always a connection!

Live music, love life!

# 001>E. L. E: The Countdown Has Already Began

2009-07-07T01:47:00.000-07:00

Remember the dinosaurs? Awesome sons of bitches those were, innit? They got wiped out by some meteor or some shit! The Extinction Level Event right? Well, seems like since then we have always been searching the skies for answers and possibly tryna focus on not going out the same way.

But here is something you oughtta investigate. Mad years ago we were CONVINCED that AIDS was gonna wipe us out but then it was controlled. Mad mad years ago, we feared that cancer would do it...but again, we managed that. Crazy years ago it was polio, small px, malaria etc. All controlled. Ebola and the list continues.

Interesting how we freak out when a disease breaks out and then we panic and then we sit back, bitch and wait for the doctors to sort it out. Dr. House may not always have the answers.

I was talking to Tha JR and he told me how pathetic he felt the media was covering Swine Flu. Mass hysteria, quarantine etc. But at the back of our minds we think; "You know what? 6 months from now, we are gonna be reading up on past events and laugh about how crazy we all reacted about swine flu". And we shall laugh, discuss and shelf it in the annlas of our mind's history. Sound familiar?

What if? What if Dr. House doesn't manage to sort this case out? And what we end up with is mass deaths, America closesits borders, UK goes bananas, fucking Cubans who have the best medical research labs are not able to come up with anything! Africa not standing a chance coz fuck, its Africa, innit? What happens then? Well, first off, WE DIE! Every fuckin one of us dies. Closing its borders proved very stupid of the americans coz one of the infected spread it ariound during the premier of Tom Cruise's latest film. Hollywood closes down, McDonald's shut down indefinitely. Over in Scotland yard its crazy; a cop nabbed a mugger who had swine flu, passed it on to the rest of them peeps and death ensues! Asia? Goddamn! SARS ain't got shit on swine flu. Antarctica out. Aussies couldn't believ what the fuck was going on. And Africa, well, roll credits.

So the pig wins! Swine flu successfully eradicates this already messed up civilization. On the upside, we always believed that itwould be caused by things like global warming, recession, war. No. We payed too much (maybe not too much) attention to the greater things that we overlooked some shit. I mean, its a fuckin flu. A fuckin' FLU!! And it wiped out the entire human race!

So, in this barren land that used to be earth, you open your eyes and can't believe what you see. Grass growing on KICC, broken buildings, foul odor in the air, no sound. Just cold and desolate. You are amazed that you are alive. Could you be the sole survivor? Are you Will Smith in "I Am Legend"? What do you do? As you ponder, hungry and frail, you hear a sound. Is it life? I am not alone! Its a little girl..at least it sounds like a little girl, its been eons since you heard that sound. You see a figure in the horizon, you pick yourself up and begin to walk, you try to speak but nothing. It IS a girl!! Thank heavens! And as you get there, a rabid dog appears and mauls the girl, tearing her limb from limb. Yeah, animals also died, swine flu mutated. And she dies...and it comes for you! It rushes towards you. Fuck this!, you say.

.................................................................................................................................... flat line.

So, millenia later the new civilization searches history and concluds; dinosaurs had pea sized brains so their E.L.E was unavoidable. But these guys, they landed on the moon, they developed the internet, cars, wifi, etc! these peoples were smart! So, how the FUCK did they let a flu kill their civization? Care to give an answer?

From rooftops to watchposts.

2009-07-02T02:32:00.000-07:00

Hi,

This is a blog for all those who can relate to music, life, love and happiness.

On radio, they call me Nick Ndeda or Nick the Pimp. It is what it is. Working in a radio station like Homeboyz Radio 91.5 can be fun but at the same time challenging coz the "perks". Nowadays i have got sucj a clear outlook on life, thanks to a "friend" of mine. And i am gonna share it with y'all. More to come in a few hours and days. But till then, remember this motto:

Live music, love life!