A NYMPHO CAN'T MARRY A NYMPHO

To best explain this, kindly observe the following rhetoric:

Nympho A and Nympho B decide to hook up and be "happy". What they don't realize is that in this universe, shit like that doesn't fly! And there is very good reason for that. Nympho B walks around her town thinking: 'I am gonna fuck that nigga right thrurrr!!!! Nympho A, in his turf says: "Aha! Umma fuck those two tonite, the other two at 2am and come back for the sister at 5am!!!" The ways of the whore are quite incredible but hey, we ain't here to discuss that shit. Fast forward 7-8 months later of incessant whoring leads to a point we in the Psychology field like to call a "WTF moment". A WTF moment is when you take a moment and fully absorb the lifestyle to which you have acclimatized yourself-from rewards to consequences. Nympho A is all up on that "All i do is fuck hot chicks and that's it. There's got to be more to life right?” Nympho B is all like: 'I need to stop shagging all these dudes, I mean, people gon' start thinking I'm a ho! (REALLY?) Usually, the latter weighs more and people are thus thrust into another point called a "The bitchslap"

The bitchslap is that moment when you realize what you need to do in your life. You see the faults for what they really are and you see the way forward. It is more or less a wake up call, moment of clarity etc. It is a brief thing, probably about 3 minutes if not less. Now, what is odd, or rather normal, depending on how you view it, is that they always happen at the worst locations. In an ideal world (read in the white man's world) it would happen in your room when its just you and you have an uncle played by Tom Hanks or some shit! But in this case, as vast as this cosmos is, what are the odds that it would happen to both nymphomaniacs at the same time AND at the same time?

Hmm.

So what happens from there is nothing short of chaos. The ladida moments and both of them thinking :"wow! this love rocks!!" You see, a bitchsalp is meant to be temporary. 6-8 months (or 2 years with white people. Don't get it twisted i am not hating on white people but damn! If you gotta make a film like Forrest Gump to justify your "intelligence" Forrest fuckin' Gump! Chee!!!!) Anyway, we ain't hating on white people. All the while, those nympho hormones that are used to being used to the max are being wasted...or are they? they soon begin to conglomerate around all the other cells of your body and before your realize it, you are this mass of sexual energy that can explode at any minute! And then the worst happens! It invades your mind and common sense, next thing you are proposing and shit!!! Now, this ain't bad if you are completely lucid when you say it. But in the case of the 2 nymphos-hell no!!!

So now, marriage is on the table and then ....the bitchslap outlives its use. This brings us to a point we call the “oh shit!” moment. An oh shit moment is when you realize that what you experienced before was just a wake up call. Usually when something like that happens, what you need to do is handle it. How it is handled is up to you. Your reaction is often dictated by where you are. For example, if it happens in a bus: ‘Oh shit!” everyone in the bus will think you are a crazy person. Maybe they will kick you out of the bus. Not too bad I think. If it happens at a pal’s bash it’s all good. Random nigga/ho actin weird, they shall say. In that ideal Forrest Gump ass world maybe it happens at the bridge as he is about to jump. Enter one Tom Hanks, maybe throw in a Meryl Streep to appeal to the ladies in the audience and perhaps a Forest Whitaker as the token black guy so that we can get those niggaz off our back!! “Don’t jump Jim!” (they always give them such gay names-no offence to my boy Jim Nolan, you are an awesome artist. Beer on you next week? =D) “We can get through this! Let’s go home and talk about these feelings more as we listen to John Denver.” Yo, Hollywood! You wanna sell me a good story? Stop making giving Tom Hanks work already!! It’s all good though. Pray it doesn’t happen in a public loo. You see, some things in this life call for us to NOT be rational with good cause. Allow me to digress:

SCENE: PUBLIC RESTROOM

Man just out of the john is washing his hands as your ass (get the pun) is in the loo.

And then it happens.

YOU: Oh shit!!!

MAN: (Quite perturbed) Ummm. You ok?

YOU: Oh shit!!!!

MAN: Well, that’s what’s supposed to come out mayne!

And then you, in all your emotion and anger/feeling of “ what the fuck have I been doing with myself in the last couple of months” (years for our poor white boy/Tanzanian coz hey! Let’s face it my bongo boys, if the land of intellegensia were a bus ride away….I often wonder why the fuck y’all decided to take a ferry to the other side, hop on a boda boda to the town, ask for directions to the town entrance only for you to remember that you had come with family so you have to go back and get them!!! It truly is the simple things you do, innit just Tanzania!!!) what do you decide to do? Observe.

YOU: OH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This scares the man and he begins to worry.

MAN: You alright? What’s happening?

Depending on the magnitude of the changes you made vis-à-vis your bitchslap moment, an “oh shit!” moment may evolve to sometimes alarming proportions:

YOU: (Knocking on the walls of the loo as you wail) FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! SHIT!!!! GODDAMN IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT????”

Man starts to think to himself: “Really? what the fuck is this shit?” damn!

You fuck around he gon call the cops on your ass. (Pun again)

SIDEBAR: I strongly believe in the employment of pun in a story, not only for its comic effect but also coz some people are just…how do you say…not bright so by the time they get it, the world shall be ready to accept anything dished to it…like a blonde scientist! That’s almost as laughable as a female president……yeah ladies I said it!!!

So now back to the story, having realized this, you need to take affirmative action (not the kind viperdamus or thogmatic would ascribe) but unfortunately, for our subjects in question, once again, the cosmos and its sick sense of irony has this moment fall on them at the same time and yes, same venue. Wow! We should get Colin Farrell on the phone. This sounds like a script that may finally get him props as an real actor…well, it’s either that or give him the chance to play a close-to-real life role of a nympho (hmm….I wonder how our Irish cutie will pull off that one!!!!)

So now both nymphos realize that they made a grave mistake and how can this be remedied? They wait till they are away from one another and break it off. You see, its easier to do this sans seeing the pain and remorse and guilt and whatever the fuck else emotion is roused from the remnants.

Moral of the story: Life has many unexpected twists and turns. For you to survive this catharsis you MUST always keep your eyes open. Trust in the universe but always take a moment to let the air near your fingers touch the hairs on your hands, sometimes let it get all the way to your nostrils and even your scalp for then it shall knock some sense into your skull. If you don’t do that. You might end up as our nymphos!

As I write this I am bumping to some awesome south African King Rock shizzle. Dance music rules!!!!

Live music, love life!